In the dynamics of families where abuse occurs, one element is often overlooked: the role of the passive parent. As a couples therapist, I hear this narrative from clients week after week—how their childhood experiences of having one abusive and one passive parent shaped their understanding of relationships and, ultimately, their attachment styles. The consequences of this dynamic frequently carry over into adulthood, manifesting in a variety of ways, including an anxious attachment style.
The Passive Parent: Silent Contributor to Dysfunction
When people think about abusive households, attention naturally gravitates toward the active abuser. However, it's essential to consider the passive parent, whose inaction often creates an environment where the abuse can thrive. Whether due to fear, denial, or a perceived lack of options, this parent's inability to intervene signals to the child that their emotional needs are secondary or unimportant. In many cases, the child learns not to expect protection, support, or validation, which profoundly affects their emotional development.
The passive parent's role can be especially confusing for the child. Often, the passive parent is perceived as more nurturing or loving, but their consistent failure to stand up for the child undermines that trust. The child is left to wonder: "If they really loved me, why didn’t they protect me?" This creates a deep internal conflict, leading the child to suppress their feelings or to internalize the notion that they are not worthy of being protected or valued.
The Long-Term Impact: Anxious Attachment in Adulthood
The attachment style that often develops in children of these households is anxious attachment, characterized by a fear of abandonment and a deep-seated worry that emotional needs will not be met. In adulthood, this manifests as insecurity in romantic relationships, where individuals may doubt their partner’s commitment or fear they will not be there when needed.
These individuals often enter relationships hypervigilant, looking for signs of emotional withdrawal or abandonment. Small instances of distance or conflict can trigger intense anxiety, a leftover from the unpredictability of their early home environment. In some cases, their behavior may become clingy or demanding, seeking constant reassurance that they are valued and loved. Paradoxically, the very behaviors they adopt to prevent abandonment can sometimes push partners away, reinforcing their fears and deepening the cycle of insecurity.
Healing Attachment Wounds in Couples Therapy
The good news is that anxious attachment styles, like any attachment-based issues, are not set in stone. In couples therapy, we work to identify these patterns and create healthier dynamics. One of the key ways I help clients is by fostering emotional attunement between partners. In many cases, individuals with anxious attachment styles are not just seeking more time or affection from their partners—they need a deep sense of emotional connection and understanding.
Through therapeutic interventions, we explore how the unresolved pain of the past—stemming from the passive parent’s inaction—continues to play out in the present relationship. By learning to recognize these attachment-based triggers, both partners can start to reframe their reactions. The partner of the anxiously attached individual can learn to respond with more empathy and reassurance, while the anxious partner can work on building trust and self-regulation to feel more secure in the relationship.
Changing the Narrative: Reclaiming Emotional Security
For individuals who have grown up in homes with passive parents, therapy offers a chance to rewrite their attachment story. Instead of repeating the same cycles of mistrust and emotional disconnection, we work together to build a foundation of safety, understanding, and emotional attunement. The transformation that can happen in couples therapy is powerful—healing attachment wounds often requires not just individual work but a strong relational context where new, healthier patterns can emerge.
The ultimate goal is for partners to develop a secure attachment with each other, where emotional needs can be expressed without fear and met with understanding and care. If you recognize yourself or your partner in this vignette, know that healing is possible. I would be honored to work with you to heal and grow, helping you reclaim emotional security and build a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and supported.
Through this work, we are not just addressing present-day challenges but also laying the groundwork for future generations to experience healthier, more emotionally attuned relationships.
Meet Dr. Melissa Hudson, LMFT-S, a highly skilled and experienced licensed marriage and family therapist serving the communities of Frisco, Plano, Allen, The Colony, and Flower Mound, TX. With a strong dedication to fostering healthier relationships, Melissa specializes in couples counseling, offering personalized guidance to couples eager to strengthen their bonds. Her approach is rooted in empathy and supported by evidence-based methods, focusing on resolving relationship challenges, enhancing communication, and rebuilding intimacy. Whether you’re navigating conflict or aiming to deepen your connection, Dr. Hudson offers the expert care and practical tools to promote lasting relational health. Discover more about her specialized couples therapy services today.