The Power of Connection in Long-Term Relationships: A Guide to Validating Your Partner
As a couple's therapist, my work revolves around a simple but profound concept: connection. When we strip away all the stories and content, what remains is the core of every successful relationship—connection and disconnection. Couples seek therapy to find solutions to a variety of issues, but when we get to the heart of it, what they really need is help fostering and maintaining a sense of connection. A significant part of achieving this is learning how to validate your partner, while avoiding corrosive invalidation.
Why Communication Matters
One of the primary reasons couples come to therapy is communication. But communication isn't just about talking; it's about whether the communication fosters connection or disconnection. Invalidation—whether intentional or not—creates a sense of disconnection that can be toxic to relationships. Conversely, validation is essential for feeling connected, seen, and understood by your partner. It conveys that one's thoughts, beliefs, and actions make sense, and it’s coming from one of the most important people in their world—their partner.
The Danger of Invalidation
Invalidation sends a message that your way of being doesn't make sense, leading to feelings of isolation and resentment. There are several ways people invalidate, such as:
- Debating: Challenging your partner's perspective without genuine curiosity.
- Minimizing: Making light of their feelings or experiences.
- Dismissing: Ignoring or disregarding their emotions.
- Playing Devil's Advocate: Undermining their point of view without offering empathy.
- Critiquing: Focusing on flaws rather than understanding their perspective.
While challenging a partner’s point of view can sometimes be constructive, frequent or extreme invalidation can become what we call "corrosive invalidation."
Examples of Corrosive Invalidation
Corrosive invalidation can manifest in many ways, including:
- Dismissal: “That isn’t a big deal.”
- Critique: “I don’t get why this is so hard.”
- Misinterpretation: “You’re just doing this to get attention.”
- Dismissing current facts ignored or denied: “That never happened.”
- Trauma comparison or whataboutism: “There are people in the world who have it worse.”
Experiencing this kind of invalidation over long periods can lead to a belief that you are unimportant, unable to communicate your emotions, or unable to trust your own feelings.
When Invalidation Becomes Traumatic
In some cases, invalidation can be more than just corrosive—it can become traumatic. Traumatic invalidation involves extreme or chronic rejection of a person's experiences or identity. This can include:
- Repeatedly being told your memories are incorrect.
- Having someone deny a traumatic experience.
- Rejection by family, friends, or church.
- A culture that is inherently invalidating, especially for those with marginalized identities.
Traumatic invalidation can leave deep emotional scars, affecting a person's ability to connect with others and fostering long-term disconnection.
Managing Invalidation
Given that everyone experiences invalidation at some point in their lives, it's crucial to know how to manage and recover from it. Here are some strategies to help:
- Check the Facts: Determine if your behavior fits the facts, even if others invalidate you. This can help you avoid self-invalidation.
- Recognize and Change Any Invalid Response: If you did something that was ineffective or inaccurate, acknowledge it and correct the behavior.
- Avoid Judgmental Statements: Everyone makes mistakes. Criticizing yourself will only make things worse.
- Be Compassionate Toward Yourself: Invalidation hurts! Allow yourself to feel hurt and comfort yourself.
- Validate Yourself: Find reasons why your actions made sense, even if they weren't effective.
- Reach Out for Support: Talk to someone who can offer a supportive perspective without judgment.
Practicing these skills can help you reduce the painful sting of invalidation, build resilience, and most importantly, strengthen the connection with your partner.
The foundation of any successful relationship is connection, and validation is key to fostering it. Invalidation, especially when it's corrosive or traumatic, can lead to disconnection, making it crucial to be mindful of our words and actions. By focusing on validating your partner and practicing compassion, you can create a deeper, more meaningful connection that withstands the test of time. If you're struggling with invalidation in your relationship, remember that help is available, and working with a therapist can guide you toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
Meet Dr. Melissa Hudson, LMFT-S, an esteemed licensed marriage and family therapist proudly serving Frisco, Plano, Allen, The Colony, and Flower Mound, TX communities. With a rich background in therapy and a passion for nurturing relationships, Melissa is dedicated to providing top-notch counseling solutions tailored to couples seeking to strengthen their bonds. Through her empathetic approach, Melissa employs evidence-based therapeutic methods to tackle a range of relationship challenges, with a focus on fostering communication, empathy, and closeness. Whether you're navigating rough waters or aiming to deepen your connection, Melissa Hudson offers a trusted hand to guide you towards relational well-being. Discover more about her specialized services today.