The Power of Connection in Long-Term Relationships: A Guide to Validating Your Partner

As a couple's therapist, my work revolves around a simple but profound concept: connection. When we strip away all the stories and content, what remains is the core of every successful relationship—connection and disconnection. Couples seek therapy to find solutions to a variety of issues, but when we get to the heart of it, what they really need is help fostering and maintaining a sense of connection. A significant part of achieving this is learning how to validate your partner, while avoiding corrosive invalidation.

Why Communication Matters

One of the primary reasons couples come to therapy is communication. But communication isn't just about talking; it's about whether the communication fosters connection or disconnection. Invalidation—whether intentional or not—creates a sense of disconnection that can be toxic to relationships. Conversely, validation is essential for feeling connected, seen, and understood by your partner. It conveys that one's thoughts, beliefs, and actions make sense, and it’s coming from one of the most important people in their world—their partner.

The Danger of Invalidation

Invalidation sends a message that your way of being doesn't make sense, leading to feelings of isolation and resentment. There are several ways people invalidate, such as:

• Debating: Challenging your partner's perspective without genuine curiosity.
• Minimizing: Making light of their feelings or experiences.
• Dismissing: Ignoring or disregarding their emotions.
• Playing Devil's Advocate: Undermining their point of view without offering empathy.
• Critiquing: Focusing on flaws rather than understanding their perspective.

While challenging a partner’s point of view can sometimes be constructive, frequent or extreme invalidation can become what we call "corrosive invalidation."

Examples of Corrosive Invalidation

Corrosive invalidation can manifest in many ways, including:

• Dismissal: “That isn’t a big deal.”
• Critique: “I don’t get why this is so hard.”
• Misinterpretation: “You’re just doing this to get attention.”
• Dismissing current facts ignored or denied: “That never happened.”
• Trauma comparison or whataboutism: “There are people in the world who have it worse.”

Experiencing this kind of invalidation over long periods can lead to a belief that you are unimportant, unable to communicate your emotions, or unable to trust your own feelings.

When Invalidation Becomes Traumatic

In some cases, invalidation can be more than just corrosive—it can become traumatic. Traumatic invalidation involves extreme or chronic rejection of a person's experiences or identity. This can include:

• Repeatedly being told your memories are incorrect.
• Having someone deny a traumatic experience.
• Rejection by family, friends, or church.
• A culture that is inherently invalidating, especially for those with marginalized identities.

Traumatic invalidation can leave deep emotional scars, affecting a person's ability to connect with others and fostering long-term disconnection.