Being a suitable partner requires emotional intelligence, it is a bare bones essential. Fundamentally, it’s one’s basic humanness, the ability to relate and interact with others in a healthy way. In relationships emotional intelligence is particularly important as it helps individuals build and maintain healthy connections with their partners. The four key elements of emotional intelligence that must be present in intimate relationships are insight, empathy, ability to maintain healthy relationships, and the ability to resolve conflicts in a productive, healthy way. Here are brief definitions of each:
1. Insight- the ability to consider and evaluate many points of view, even those not in one’s interest. The ability to apply new thinking and understanding.
2. Empathy- the ability to imagine and feel another person’s emotional state. Having empathy would shape behavior and choices. This is a developmental task that healthy adults (and children) have as part of their moral development.
3. The ability to maintain healthy, long-term, relationships platonic or intimate. This is a very basic indicator requiring numerous EQ skills: collaboration, effective communication, social skills, and conflict resolution.
4. The ability to resolve conflicts in a productive, healthy manner. This is a skill that can be worked on in therapy, but it is essential for healthy relationships--there is no work around on this one. Conflict done well connects couples because they feel seen and understood and conversely conflict done poorly pushes people apart, often creating a cycle and a negative feedback loop that is pretty useless (and often hurtful). Check out one of the many blogs I've written on conflict.
Without these four, basic traits, a relationship with someone will be difficult, marked with dissatisfaction and likely unfulfilling or unsustainable.
People can be successful at work and have chaotic home lives...
Work relationships have power dynamics that do not exist in personal relationships. It is in interpersonal relationships, such as family and intimate relationships, where we are most vulnerable. Successful people at work can have chaotic personal lives that are replete with pathology, addiction, abuse, emptiness, disconnection, isolation, or symptomatic children. Narcissism and sociopathy are personality disorders that may thrive in the cutthroat corporate culture, but these qualities are hardly the ingredients of healthy, loving relationships.
Some questions to consider that indicate one's level of emotional maturity include
- Is your love interest a pervasive blamer, a ready victim, a frequent excuse maker? This way of thinking is usually the sign of a lack of insight.
- Does he or she see things in rigid or black and white terms?
- Can your partner manage his/her anxiety or is he quick to anger, quick to distance, or generally reactionary?
- How is that conflict handled?
- Is communication open and encouraged?
- Is control an aspect of the relationship?
- Do you feel valued and validated? If not, this reflects a lack of empathy.
- Do you find yourself trying to close the gap with the other person not meeting you half way?
- Are the words lovely but the actions unimpressive?
Will they care about what matters to you? Will they partner? Are they kind and generous of spirit?
Therapy is successful only as much as the client is forthright about behaviors, cognitions, and feelings. And it’s not to say that someone with lower emotional intelligence is not charismatic, charming, captivating, intelligent, magnetic, humorous, sensitive, sexy, talented, a wordsmith, and even lovable. They are often these things in spades. Nonetheless, will they be there when you need them? Will they care about what matters to you? Will they partner? Are they kind and generous of spirit? Do they value you? Want to spend time with you? Do they even SEE you?
Sometimes, when we are incompatible with people, it is really an indication that we are healthier emotionally and spiritually. It is not that we are better, just further along in the journey of developing more basic self. Maybe we are one of the blessed who was born into a healthier family of origin that nurtured and supported us, modeled relational skills, and validated us, so we started ahead. Or maybe we suffered greatly, and that's why we understand the importance of emotional intelligence in a relationship.
Sometimes when we are incompatible with people, it is really an indication that we are healthier emotionally.
Relationships are people growing machines, to quote my mentor Dr. Glen Jennings. That is their purpose; that is the “work” of committed relationships. People ponder why we are here…I believe it’s simple, to love each other, to grow in basic self through our intimate relationships—to self actualize until the day we die. We can’t do it with someone who is not ready and able.
Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is to take the lesson (and I believe there is always a lesson, often many), wish her/him well, grieve the relationship, and move along. All four elements of EQ must be there…None of them are optional for a healthy relationship.
"May we all develop the strength to love well." ~Dr. David M. Schnarch
Meet Dr. Melissa Hudson, an experienced licensed marriage and family therapist and couples counselor in Frisco. She offers both in-person sessions and Telehealth services to clients in Plano, The Colony, McKinney, Allen, Richardson, Carrollton, and Frisco. Her office is conveniently located close to Stonebriar Country Club in Frisco. Dr. Hudson specializes in couples and relationships, providing personalized and effective therapy to address a range of concerns such as communication issues, infidelity, and conflict. With her expertise and compassion, she can help you achieve the positive change you need to build a healthier, happier relationship. Click here for more information on the services provided.