Marriage is work. How often have you heard that? What kind of work? Is it part-time work or back breaking, soul stealing? Is it gratifying, affirming, challenging, or just a grind? I don't know, I'm not sure that considering marriage as work is particularly helpful. I guess it's to normalize the challenges, and yes, I agree there will be challenges, even in healthy marriages. Framing it that way almost makes one wonder if marriage is worth the trouble.
But what I'd like to suggest is that we think of marriage as a growth proposition and a developmental task. When we think of growth and development, we also think of challenges, we expect certain stages to be more difficult than others and more than that, we expect that as time passes we will become better at tasks or dynamics that were, at one time, really difficult. Think of child development, we know there will be difficult stages. We expect them; we even research them and learn best practices during these stages. We don't criticize or abandon children struggling through a hard stage of develop. Rather, we try a different approach; we take their temperament into account; we seek professional assistance if necessary.
What would make adults think we are "fully cooked", that we should know how to "do marriage"? Maybe you had great examples. Did you? That seems pretty rare, in my experience. But if you did, that's a tremendous start and it provides a foundation on which to build. Many of us don't have that, however.
Or maybe you apply the "shoulds" to yourself because you're an adult. I should know how to be a great partner. But growth is lifelong. We study lifespan human development and adults have stages of development just like children. Maybe that's a more helpful frame, to think of marriage as a growth proposition, an experiential process where you will fall down a lot, learn about yourself, make changes, grow into a better partner. Is that an emotionally painful process for kids? Yes, it sure is. And we expect it. And we support them through it. Encourage them to keep going with every milestone. We're really no different, just a different stage, different tasks. Growth is cradle to grave. This is where couple's therapy can help you with your marriage. If you are in a challenging stage in your relationship, reach out and get help from a relationship specialist. Therapy is all about growth and change of the couple system so you can get back to creating the life you want together.
Melissa Hudson, MS, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Plano, Texas specializing in couple's therapy, anxiety disorders, and depression. She also works with adults on a variety of concerns. Have questions? Reach out! melissa@counselingsolutionstexas.com | 214-235-8175 | www.counselingsolutionstexas.com