How Couples Can Thrive By Rediscovering Individuality

Breaking Free from Enmeshment: How Couples Can Thrive by Rediscovering Individuality and Engaging in Life Together

As a couples therapist, one of the most common patterns I see in relationships is what I refer to as "enmeshment." Enmeshed couples are so deeply intertwined in each other’s lives that they often lose sight of their individual needs, interests, and growth. The result is a relationship that can feel stagnant, predictable, and devoid of excitement. Partners may overly rely on one another for even basic tasks—such as handling finances, completing home chores, or even making a simple sandwich. While this level of dependence may feel comfortable in the short term, it can actually prevent personal and relational growth.

I often see clients who have gone through the painful experience of divorce, and while it’s undoubtedly traumatic, there’s often a silver lining: forced independence. They are suddenly faced with the reality of managing their own lives, figuring out their finances, learning how to cook for themselves, and exploring hobbies they once set aside. Over time, they grow stronger, more self-sufficient, and—perhaps most importantly—more interesting. They develop new perspectives and skills, and they discover what they truly enjoy outside the context of their relationship.

This is where things get interesting for couples who are still in relationships. What if we could replicate this growth and self-discovery without having to go through the painful process of separation? What if couples could find ways to build more autonomy within their marriages, allowing each person to thrive individually and come together in a more dynamic, engaging way? The truth is, many couples get stuck because they mistakenly accept a pattern of enmeshment, where their lives revolve around work, kids, and basic routine tasks. The same conversations occur day in and day out: work stress, childcare, and mundane chores. But what happens when partners begin to re-engage with their own lives, passions, and personal growth? This can breathe new life into a relationship, allowing it to become richer and more fulfilling.

Here are some strategies to help couples break free from enmeshment, build individuality, and engage more fully in life and in their relationship:

1. Foster Personal Hobbies and Interests

One of the most common signs of enmeshment is when couples no longer engage in activities outside of their relationship. They rely on each other for everything—from entertainment to emotional support—without giving themselves room to grow as individuals. Encouraging each partner to rediscover or try new hobbies that excite them can be a game-changer. Whether it’s taking up painting, playing an instrument, running, or exploring photography, personal hobbies not only create space for individuality but also lead to more interesting conversations when you come back together.

Pro tip: Schedule "me time" regularly in your calendars to ensure each partner has dedicated time for themselves.

2. Encourage Independent Problem-Solving

Another area where enmeshment often occurs is in the division of household chores, finances, or decision-making. When one partner takes on the bulk of these responsibilities, the other may become overly dependent and lose the ability to manage these areas independently. To break this cycle, I recommend couples start having open discussions about how they can divide responsibilities in a way that fosters both teamwork and individual growth. For instance, one partner might handle budgeting for a few months, while the other takes charge of the meal planning or household repairs. This gives each partner a chance to take ownership of something important, develop new skills, and build confidence.

Pro tip: Start by setting small, attainable goals for each person to handle on their own and gradually increase the complexity of tasks as confidence builds.

3. Reconnect with Your Social Circles

When a couple becomes enmeshed, they often isolate themselves from friends, family, and social networks. This isolation may lead to a loss of personal identity and a narrowing of conversation topics. Encourage each partner to reconnect with their social circles, whether it’s friends from work, childhood, or new acquaintances. Going out for a drink, attending events, or simply catching up with old friends can remind each person of who they are outside the relationship and bring fresh perspectives and new topics of conversation.

Pro tip: Set aside time for socializing with friends or family separately, not just as a couple. This helps to maintain individual connections while strengthening the relationship.

4. Invest in Emotional and Physical Growth Together

While independence is key, so is shared growth. Couples can thrive when they invest in activities that build emotional and physical connection. Whether it’s taking a dance class, attending therapy together, or hiking in nature, shared experiences that challenge both partners can bring them closer together. The goal is to find activities that encourage mutual growth, rather than relying solely on routine or routine conversations.

Pro tip: Try something new together that neither partner has done before. This builds excitement and creates new memories.

5. Create Time for Meaningful Conversations

Enmeshed couples often fall into the trap of talking only about logistics: what’s for dinner, who’s picking up the kids, or how to manage the bills. These conversations, though necessary, leave little room for deeper connection. Carve out intentional time each week to talk about your dreams, passions, and individual goals. Ask questions like, “What excites you outside of work?” or “What’s something new you’d love to try?”

Pro tip: Use open-ended questions to encourage deeper discussions about personal growth, values, and desires.

6. Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, breaking out of an enmeshed dynamic requires external help. A therapist can help couples identify unhealthy patterns, set boundaries, and encourage independent growth within the context of the relationship. If you’re feeling stuck, it might be time to explore couples therapy as a way to rediscover your individuality while strengthening your bond.

Pro tip: Consider therapy as a tool for personal and relational growth, rather than just a way to solve problems. Couples therapy can provide structure and accountability to help partners develop healthier, more balanced relationships.

Resources to Encourage Personal and Relational Growth:

• Books:

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
  • Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
  • Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

• Podcasts:

  • The Gottman Institute Podcast (John and Julie Schwartz Gottman)
  • The Couples Therapist Couch (Jesse and Melissa)
  • Therapy Chat (Laura Reagan)

• Online Workshops and Courses:

  • The Gottman Institute’s Online Courses (Relationship check-ups, communication skills, etc.)
  • Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly (Learn about vulnerability, courage, and emotional growth)