Is It Stubborness or Emotional Reactivity?

When couples describe their struggles, stubbornness comes up a lot. One partner might say, “They just refuse to see my side,” while the other insists, “I’m not stubborn—I just know what I think!”

But stubbornness isn’t just a personality trait. More often, it’s a form of emotional reactivity—a response to discomfort, uncertainty, or perceived threat. It’s not just about being strong-willed; it’s about how someone regulates emotions in moments of conflict.

So what’s actually going on when a partner “digs in” during an argument?

1. Emotional Rigidity – A struggle to adapt to new perspectives due to cognitive inflexibility or discomfort with change.
2. Self-Protectiveness – A defense mechanism against feeling controlled, invalidated, or vulnerable.
3. Persistence/Determination – The positive side of stubbornness—standing by personal values with conviction.
4. Defensiveness – A knee-jerk reaction to criticism, shame, or feeling misunderstood.
5. Anxiety in Disguise – A way to control uncertainty by clinging to a position, often without recognizing the emotional charge behind it.

At its core, stubbornness is a regulation issue—often a mix of fight (arguing and refusing to budge) and freeze (emotional rigidity). It also ties into differentiation—the ability to hold one’s own perspective without shutting down influence or connection.

Most people don’t recognize stubbornness as emotional reactivity. They just see it as an irritating trait. But when couples begin to understand the emotions driving it, something shifts—because suddenly, the “stubborn” partner isn’t just being difficult. They’re trying to feel safe.

And that’s where real change begins.