Mastering conflict is essential to having a healthy relationship. We can’t avoid it, we can’t say, “Oh we’re just not good at that”. It’s foundational for a long-term relationship. The great news is that it is a skill. With effort, you can improve and it can become a relationship-building endeavor. We do not want to engage in conflict that does harm. And many relationship tasks cannot happen until a couple can communicate outside of their negative cycle.
The most important part of conflict resolution is not to defend your position and certainly not to “win the argument”, it’s to reinforce your relationship. Read that again, this is where many get stuck on who did what, when, where, and how.
Conflict, at its best, is deliberate not brought on out of reactivity. “Set the table” for a productive, relationship-reinforcing discussion taking into consideration all the variables that help conflict go well or set you up for failure.
Just because one or both of you were triggered by a comment, a look, a mood, etc. does not mean it’s time to commence in conflict. Conflict needs to be deliberate or you will just spend time in a negative, unproductive cycle.
This idea of being deliberate and using rules of effective conflict is often a new approach for people. But it makes a tremendous difference. Here are 5 more tips for healthy, connecting conflict:
- Slow down, slow down, slow down. This is what happens in therapy. And it's super effective to prevent cycling and encourage good listening.
- Be mindful of attunement. Therapy models attunement well. We are focused on each other, no phones, no kids, no walking and talking. Misattunement leads to cycling; let’s mitigate that.
- Shift from complaint to request. Complaints and criticism often lead to defensiveness.
- Speak in “paragraphs rather than essays”. Often one party is lecturing the other (with an intense desire to be heard), but this approach doesn’t work great.
- Take the risk of emotional vulnerability. Show more than anger.
- Explore one concern well. You can come back to explore more later if necessary
Do you and your person need help to master conflict? I'd love to help. Reach out to get started.
About the therapist: Dr. Melissa Hudson, LMFT-S has been a Plano couple's counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist since 2012. She offices near the Shops of Legacy in West Plano conveniently located to serve the communities of The Colony, McKinney, Allen, Richardson, Carrollton, and Frisco as well as offering statewide services via Telehealth. She also specializes in working with those contending with depression and anxiety as well as a wide spectrum of other psychological concerns you can learn about here.