When did you learn how to have healthy conflict? Did you witness it in your family of origin? Or did you have it with your parents as a teen? Many of us did not witness healthy conflict and it certainly isn't the marker of parent/teen dynamics oftentimes. So as you began dating, how did you learn the do's and don'ts? Did you?
I find that the lack of these conflict skills is one of the reasons couples enter therapy and it makes sense because when do we learn these skills? While we're still living at home, our brains are still forming that logic and reasoning, so even if your parents had the skills, it's likely that you were not ready to learn them from mom and dad. Teens are reactive, as we all know, but once they leave the nest and have a few more years to mature emotionally, how are they practicing conflict resolution skills within a relational dynamic? Other young adults? Perhaps, but we can see where this may not be ideal to achieve the mastery we'd like to have a strong foundation for a long-term relationship or marriage.
Of course, these are essential skills, as it is normal for conflict to arise in relationships. And the great news is that it's a skill and with knowledge and practice, couples can improve. However, learning conflict resolution skills alone often is not enough. After all, if learning these skills was what it took, a simple Google search on the topic would do the trick. It takes learning the skills and then also working deeper on an emotional level for couples to connect all of the dots.
This is where therapy, with an experienced couple's therapist, comes in to facilitate exploration of the deeper emotions driving the conflict, to choreograph the interactions at first so the couple experiences new, emotionally corrective conversations that, over time, build muscle memory around a new way to interact and work with difficult conservations and conflict.
If you've found that you are having more conflict or that the conflict has intensified or is cyclical (content changes, the cycle of how you argue remains the same and ineffective), it is wise to seek professional help. I'd love to help you with this endeavor.
About the therapist: Dr. Melissa Hudson, LMFT-S has been a Plano couple's counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist since 2012. She offices near the Shops of Legacy in West Plano conveniently located to serve the communities of The Colony, McKinney, Allen, Richardson, and Frisco as well as offering statewide services via Telehealth. A passionate therapist and relationship expert, Dr. Hudson also specializes in working with those contending with depression and anxiety as well as a wide spectrum of other psychological concerns you can learn about here.